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Learning to meet

Théun Mares describes how our shortcomings influence our communication and our attempts to meet each other


As we know, the art of communication is the very essence of true INTELLIGENT CO-OPERATION, and it therefore stands to reason that we cannot possibly hope to ever dream true to the One Purpose unless we CAN and DO co-operate intelligently with life in the unfoldment of our fate through the medium of the challenges we call forth according to our shortcomings! From this it in turn follows that SKILL within the art of communication is a prerequisite, not only to intelligent co-operation, but also to the unfoldment of our fate.


Looking at this as a whole, it does not take rocket science to see that not only do our shortcomings determine the QUALITY of our challenges, but they also have a most direct impact upon our APPROACH to the challenges we have called forth! Needless to say, the most important aspect of our approach towards our challenges is HOW we communicate with the world around us! In this respect, bear in mind that TRUE communication is not a one-sided flapping of the tongue, but is instead, fourfold: 1) Verbalised communication, which includes the written word; 2) Unspoken communication; 3) Undelivered Communication; and 4) the Art of Listening.


The first aspect speaks for itself, but Unspoken Communication is by far the most complex, for it includes body language, tone of voice, eye contact, facial expressions, everything which is CAREFULLY avoided or not stated and, of course, not only the choice of words but also the QUALIFYING of statements.

Undelivered communication speaks for itself, for this is the type of communication that leaves one guessing and wondering what the hell is going on, for although it may appear to be perfectly clear to the speaker, he or she has nonetheless OMITTED to say what is so clear in his or head, and in this respect, undelivered communication is quite OFTEN brought about by bland statements that are left UNQUALIFIED.


As for the fourth aspect, namely, the Art of Listening, what can I say that has not already been explained ad infinitum in the books?


But let us now look a little more deeply at the INFLUENCES exerted upon communication by SHORTCOMINGS.


As an exercise, observe most closely HOW your perception is influenced by your shortcomings during the act of communication! For example, if your shortcoming is Self-Pity, how do you LISTEN and then RE-ACT during communication, and how can you USE what you learn in this regard to turn your RE-ACTION into a RESPONSE that leads to true intelligent co-operation?


Remember though, that re-actions can be both NEGATIVE as well as POSITIVE! Once you start observing yourself in this manner you will be amazed at how many different reactions or responses you have in even just one day depending upon whom you are communicating with - whether this is with various different people, the purring cat, the dog wagging its tail, the parrot screeching non-stop, the noisy neighbour, the pretty sunset, the blue mountains, the stuck cupboard door, the car that refuses to start on a cold wintery morning etc., etc.


If you truly wish to MEET someone, that is, truly gain a TRUE understanding of where they are at, then it is vital for each person to LISTEN to the other without judgment. It is only when we do so that we can each begin to RELATE to what the other is also trying to RELATE on! But if we already START off from the basis of, "Yes, but……" or "Yes I hear you, but……….," then immediately, whether we are conscious of this or not, we have AGREED to DISAGREE!


I am not saying this is a bad thing, for sometimes it IS needed! But in terms of MEETING one another it is not at ALL use-full! INVALIDATION, whether of a concept, an idea, an emotion or a feeling, just NEVER works in terms of meeting. The only time we can afford to invalidate is when we have been asked to please validate or invalidate, or if the other person is CLEARLY trying to pull the wool over either OUR eyes or his own.


In terms of meeting, what ALWAYS works is to find SOMETHING in what the other person is saying or doing that you can SUPPORT, and then using this support as a point of departure you can begin to EXPLORE together! And I mean EXPLORE, not argue points of view or opinions! But unless you CAN find a point of departure, you will only succeed in going round in circles, and eventually out of frustration start to RE-ACT towards one another! If you end up arguing, rather than exploring together, you will likewise end up fighting AGAINST each other!


Looking at the question of meeting from another angle, I would like to point out the results of over-familiarity in relationships.


One of the reasons why people, generally-speaking fail to meet each other is because of over-familiarity.


We first need to learn the true meaning of RE-SPECT, not just for others, but also for ourselves, before we can start to MEET, whether on the issue of wine, food, social manners, clothing, etiquette, or whichever FORM we may wish to focus on as a medium through which to explore and meet! Often, the only reason why people fail to meet each other is because of a lack of RESPECT, and where there is a lack of respect there is FAMILIARITY, meaning ASSUMED understanding based upon prejudice or judgment. And where there is familiarity, there is CONTEMPT, no matter in what form this is expressed or manifested.


But contempt, no matter how cleverly it is concealed or disguised is felt at SOME level and, as a result, TRUE communication becomes stunted, crippled and ultimately ends up in falseness, dressed up to look like lamb! So, yes, we can sit and smile at each other, and we can be NICE to each other, but what about the FEELINGS that are generated because of the UNDELIVERED communication, together with the UNSPOKEN communication? What of that? And remember that there IS a difference between "undelivered" versus "unspoken" - undelivered means saying one thing when in fact you MEAN something else - unspoken speaks for itself!






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